HARTS Angels, Grief at Home, RRT STUDIOS Balance Angel

Alone Again, Naturally

The Angel balances on an I beam, representing the self and the treacherous balance that only can be maintained with the aid of wings.

This page is about the differences in men and women and their grief. To get to the balance of the person you have to understand the emotional responses of men and women. Men are inward thinkers, they think of the "situation" not the emotional responses. This does not make them less emotional, or less responsive to those around them, they just have a different method of looking at the emotional response. The closer you are associated with the Man in grief, the less likely He will share with you. His "job" of protector does not allow this. The Woman in grief is looking for support. She will look to those that can understand and listen to Her express Her emotions. She is not looking to "FIX" anything, but regain Her perspective and understand some purpose in Her grief. If She tried to turn to Her mate, She is often disappointed, because his desire to protect and fix things limits Her ability to share. Both Men and Women need support in grief. They need to hear from others their emotions are normal, their responses to the emotions are normal, and that they will be able to live and love again.

his & her in balance She Cries - He sighs
Gender Differences and Grieving Patterns
(Outline of TLC group's seminar on men & women's grieving patterns)

a. MALE/FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS
1. Most relationships are intrinsically difficult.
HE: ``big picture'' --- SHE: ``Details''
HE: ``Thinks'' --- SHE: ``Feels''
HE: ``Logical'' --- SHE: ``Intuitive''
HE: ``Copes Internally'' --- SHE: ``Copes Externally''
HE: ``sighs'' --- SHE: ``Cries''
2. Men, Women & grief
a. Myths of parent's grief
1. Men grieve Differently Than Women
2. Men Need To Express Their Feelings
3. both parents are grieving Over The same Event
b. Five Facts of parent's grief
1. The intensity of his grief is dependent on his pre-death relationship with the fetus, baby or child.
2. The intensity of Her grief is dependent on the place the pregnancy or child held in Her hopes, dreams, future, self-esteem and self-worth.
3. Most fathers resolve (or make peace) with their grief in 3 to 6 months.
4. Most mothers need 9 to 24 months (or more!) to resolve their grief.
5. Most men truly feel their spouse need professional help after 3 to 6 months.

b. POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
1. SHE needs to talk about the event. She goes over it time and again trying to gather every possible detail to explain why and how.
HE feels uncomfortable dealing on such a feeling level and finds excuses to avoid such confrontations.
2. SHE takes comfort in Her faith. ``God's Will'' may be the only explanation that gives any meaning to the event.
HE is angry with God, feeling that the event invalidates his religion.
3. SHE often wants to visit the grave.
HE feels an aversion to visiting the cemetery.
4. SHE withdraws, reads books on grief, and writes as a means of expressing Her pain.
HE throws himself into his work, hobby, or other activities to keep busy and avoid the pain.
5. SHE expects him to grieve and behave the same as She does and thinks He doesn't care when He doesn't.
HE needs space to grieve in his own way and resents Her for imposing Her feelings on him.
6. SHE seeks support groups as an outlet for Her expression.
HE wants to avoid showing his pain in front of other people; particularly strangers!
7. SHE has no interest in sex and resents his desire for it at this time.
HE wants to make love for the comfort and reassurance that comes through intimacy.
8. SHE knows that Her life is irrevocably changed and will never be the same again.
HE wants Her and their life back the way it was before the event.
9. THEY can sometimes compete with each other to see who is grieving the hardest.
10. THEY seek to escape the event by taking a vacation, moving, changing jobs, etc.
11. THEY seek to numb their pain through alcohol, drugs, shopping, extramarital affairs, or another Child.
12. THEY are angry with the Doctor or other Authority figures involved with the event and have, more than once, discussed legal action.
13. THEY feel betrayed by their family and friends through their perceived lack of understanding and caring.
14. THEY both feel the other person is, in some way, to blame for the event.
15. THEY are both so caught up in their own grief that there is no recognition or understanding of the grief experienced by their children or extended family members.
C. WHAT CAN BE DONE
1. Meet with the potentially, or newly, bereaved parents as soon as possible.
2. Explain to them the statistical potential for a negative marital outcome during the bereavement period.
3. Counsel them about the grieving needs and expectations of each other and the importance of recognizing and allowing each other the natural expression of their grief.
4. Explain the potential relationship problems so that they can recognize patterns that may develop.
5. Encourage and help HER find a local support group where She can find others who will share Her experiences with Her.
6. Encourage HIM to go to a couple of meetings with Her only as an observer. Tell them both that there will be no pressure put on him whatsoever to actively participate. Most men will inevitably participate if you can just get them there!
7. Discourage the making of any decisions that will impact any important area of their life for one year!.
8. If there are other children, encourage them to express and discuss their grief openly and honestly, give concern to how the child is coping with the experience, and recognize that the child is grieving too.
9. Help move them towards an awareness and acceptance of each others grief using the following 3 step guide:
1. Compartmentalize The Event
* List and discuss those elements of grief unique to Her.
* List and discuss those elements of grief unique to Him.
* List and discuss those elements of grief common to both.
2. Encourage Individual grief
* Help Her give Him permission to express his grief in his own way.
* Help him give Her permission to express Her grief in Her own way.
3. Encourage Mutual grief
* Encourage them to establish periods during each week where they can express and share their common feelings.
* Encourage them to establish periods during the week for intimacy and closeness where the loss is not discussed.
* Encourage them to establish periods during the week or month for family activities which include the children, if any.

TLC group grants anyone the right to use this information without compensation so long as the copy is not used for profit or as training materials in a profit making activity such as workshops, lectures, and seminars, and so long as this paragraph is retained in its entirety.