Our frantic efforts to create a
"perfect" holiday — and our disappointment at
being unable to accomplish that — are an attempt to recapture
something that never really was. Instead, celebrate the season
but protecting the event. There comes a time when you stop and
say, 'Is this working?' If it's not, there's value in breaking
old traditions that maybe never did work and starting some new
traditions that revolve around your core family.
Dr. Phil's Four Steps To Happier
Family Events
1. Define in advance what holiday success is and create a strategy
to get to it. Is it spiritual? Togetherness? Decide how you're
going to measure success and create strategy to get to it.
2. Give yourself permission to say no. Start doing what works,
instead of doing what's "right."
3. Break old toxic traditions and start new, joyful ones. Just
because it's old doesn't mean it's good.
4. Focus on who and what really counts.
Hospice
Foundation of America :
3 C's of Coping with the Holidays by Kenneth J. Doka
With the rollercoaster-like emotions of grief, the holidays
can be an especially tough time. We remember the Chanukah that
Aunt Sophia danced in the snow, the Christmas that we received
a bike, the Thanksgiving when the turkey was undercooked. These
memories remind us of our loss. Other reminders such as cards
addressed to the person who died, holiday movies, gifts that
seem perfect, can make us feel out of sorts with the season.
Everyone else seems so happy and joyful.
The holidays are a tough time to
grieve. Knowing that does not make them any easier, but at least
it may help us understand and accept our reactions, and tap
into the things we can do to help ourselves cope with the holidays.
CHOOSE
During the holidays it is easy to drift into activities that
increase our pain. But we do have choices. We can decide what
activities we wish to participate in, who we want to be with,
what we want to do. After her husband died, June was invited,
actually pressured, to join her sister-in-law for the holidays.
She decided that she would retain the freedom to choose where
she wanted to be on Christmas until that morning. "I never
know how much energy I'll have, or how I feel until that day,"
she explained. On Christmas morning, she decided to have dinner
with a few women she had met in a local widow's support group.
She chose to go to her sister-in-law's house for dessert.
One of the choices we may want to
consider is how to mark the loss during the holidays. During
the holidays we feel the presence of that person's absence.
Finding ways to recognize and acknowledge that individual can
bring a positive focus to our grief. This may be done in a number
of ways -- lighting a candle, creating a ritual, placing a memento
on a tree, a moment of silence or a holiday toast are simple
ways to acknowledge the loss.
COMMUNICATE
It is important that we discuss our choices with others, especially
those who are affected by them. They have needs as well. Their
ways of dealing with grief may be different. June, for example
talked with her sister-in-law, explaining her feelings and asking
if she could make a decision that day. Once her sister-in-law
understood June's feelings and needs, she was willing to be
flexible. Marcy's family had to have a considerable discussion
over whether or not they would have a Christmas tree after the
death of one of her children.
COMPROMISE
Each of us deals with loss in our own particular way. There
is no right or wrong way to grieve. When we communicate, we
may find that our feelings and needs, the very ways that we
cope, will differ. We need to find space to compromise. For
example, some people in Marcy's family saw the Christmas tree
as an important tribute to their late son and brother. Other
family members saw it as disrespectful. They talked through
each point of view, and decided that this year they would have
a small tree, not in the central living room but in the family
room. Those who wanted to help decorate could, but those who
chose not to would also be respected. All could deal with their
loss in their own way.
Nothing changes the fact that the
holidays can be especially difficult while grieving. But as
we choose our actions, communicate our choices with others,
and find suitable compromises, we may find that they are bearable.
And that gives us renewed strength and hope.
Let your angel guide you to new traditions and make your holidays memorable.