Sctwarior: There's an old Chinese saying " The journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step". How many people are afraid to even start such a journey because of the great distance they don't think they can cover? Some are afraid to even take that first step.

 

 

Anyone that has traveled with me, knows I'm totally map dyslexic. I have no sense of direction. I also take a lot of little "detours" when I've lost my way, or turned the wrong direction. Most of these are called my 8 mile or 20 minute detours.

When I was in my hardest stages of grief, I also was totally without direction. I had no sense of time, and spent much of my time in a fog. I didn't recognize if I was moving forward, or just sitting still. I didn't know if there was an actual destination to reach.

When the "fog" gradually began to lift, I realized that I had a path, the distance goal was not clear, but it didn't matter, I finally had someplace to go. The more I shared with others my path, the more I found I was able to see a destination. Each step on my path could help another see the path in front of them. My detours on this path were well worth the time, they helped me see the destination with better focus. No time was wasted, no detour was unnecessary.

The path was not one I wanted anyone else to have to take, but it is one that was necessary for me. I learned a very special lesson from this path, that no one's journey was less important than another, and that their detours were not mine, and no judgment of their path was needed on my part, only to look closely at my own path.

The Obstacle in Our Path

In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then He hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. *Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, He finally succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, He noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many others never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.

Submitted by Texrig

Journey Through grief

The mourner's six reconciliation needs by Dr. Alan Wolfelt.
The death of a loved one changes our lives. Moving from "before" to "after" almost always is a long, painful journey. But if we are to Heal, we cannot avoid our grief. We must journey through it all, sometime meandering the side roads and plowing directly into its raw center. The journey also requires mourning. That's different from grief. Grief is what you think and feel "inside." Mourning is the outward expression of those thoughts and feelings. To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journeys. There are six 'yield signs' along the journey through grief -- the "reconciliation needs of mourning."

Need 1: acknowledge reality You must confront the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back. When the death is sudden, acknowledging the loss may take months and years. You may try to push away the reality and also replay events surrounding the death. This replay is a vital part of mourning. It's as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real.

Need 2: Embrace the pain You must embrace the pain of loss. Although it's easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, by confronting pain we reconcile ourselves to it. "Dose" yourself-don't overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. At times, you may need to distract yourself from the pain; other times, you'll need to create a safe place to move toward it. Unfortunately, our culture encourages the denial of pain. If you openly express feelings, friends may advise you to "keep your chin up." If you remain "strong" and "in control," you may be congratulated for "doing well." Actually, doing well with grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.

Need 3: Remember the person Do you have a relationship with someone after they die? Of
course -- you have a relationship of memory. Allow and encourage this. People may try to take your memories away. Well-intentioned, they encourage you to keep busy, move out of your house or take down photos of the person who died. Remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible.

Need 4: Develop a new identity part of your self-identity comes from your relationships. So when someone dies, the way you see yourself changes. You may go from being a "wife" or "husband" to a "widow" or "widower," or from a "parent" to a "bereaved parent." a death often requires you to take on new roles once filled by the person who died. Someone still has to take out the garbage and buy the groceries. You confront your changed identity every time you do something your lost loved one used to do. This hard work can leave you feeling drained. Struggling with your changing identity, you may feel childlike, dependent, Helpless, frustrated, inadequate and fearful. But many people discover "positives," including renewed self-confidence, a more caring, kind and sensitive side, and even more assertiveness.

Need 5: search for meaning When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life-especially when the death is senseless, as in drunk driving. You may question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values, asking "how could god let this happen?" or "why did this happen?" The death reminds you of your lack of control and leaves you feeling powerless. The person who died was a part of you, so you mourn a loss outside and inside yourself, too. You may confront your own spirituality. You may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions. This is normal and part of your journey toward renewed living.

Need 6: Receive ongoing support The support you receive during your grief journey influences your Healing. Don't try to do this alone. Drawing on friends, fellow mourners or professional counselors for months and even years after a death is not a weakness but a Healthy, human need. Because our culture values the ability to "keep your chin up," many mourners are abandoned shortly after a death. They are told "it's time to get on with your life" which encourages denial or repression of grief rather than expression of it. Your "supporters" must appreciate the impact this death has had on you and you must be allowed to mourn long after the death. Your grief journey will never completely end. "Reconciliation" is what occurs as the mourner moves forward in life without a lost loved one. Reconciliation renews many things: ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death; capacity to become reinvolved in daily living; energy and confidence; and meaning and purpose. Pangs of loss and grief will not completely disappear -they will soften and become less frequent. And hope will emerge as you commit to the future.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, an internationally acclaimed grief educator, is Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. This article is adapted from his newest book, The Journey Through grief, available from Companion press, (970) 226-6050.