For most
people, initiating a conversation with the bereaved is one of
the scariest, most intimidating, most anxiety-producing tasks
they could think of. So scary that most people don't do it, or
they do it so badly they swear they never will again. But, if
you know how to begin, how to listen and how to end, then usually
all you have to do is open your Heart and react naturally like
you would in any other conversation.
How To begin
This is an
example opening conversation that usually works. You may find
a reluctant person occasionally, but usually when a bereaved person
finds someone who really wants to listen, they really want to
talk.
You: Hi,
this is Joanie, I just called to see how you are doing. Is this
a good time to visit?
bereaved: Yeah, it's fine.
Y: So, how are you doing?
b: I'm okay.
Y: How are you really doing?
b: I have my good days and bad days.
Y: What's it like on the bad days?
b: I just keep going over and over what happened and wondering
if I had done something differently if the outcome would have
been different.
Y: Like what?
b: Oh, I don't know. I am having a hard time thinking clearly
about anything.
Y: I Hear that is real normal. You must still be in shock. The
whole thing must not seem real to you.
b: No, it doesn't. I can't believe He's gone.
Y: How did it happen?
b: We were out having dinner.....
Notice that
all of the questions are open-ended and the one statement is empathetic
and informational. It is important to have natural reactions as
well as questions so this conversation doesn't take on a interrogational
quality. Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a "yes"
or "no". The quickest way to kill a conversation is
to ask mostly closed-end questions - those that can be answered
with a "yes" or "no".
Also, notice
that in this short exchange you have communicated that you care
- really care - how She is doing; that it is okay for Her to tell
Her story; that you have time to listen and a little information
about what is normal. If She wants to talk, you will have to do
little else than occasionally say a few words like "Oh"
or "really" or "I can't believe that" or "what
did you do then?" or "gosh, that must have been awful"
or "how did you feel about that? Just to let the bereaved
know that you are actively listening.
How To Listen
Before you
call a bereaved person make sure you have enough time to listen.
If you have a successful call and do a good job of listening,
then the call could last up to an hour or more.
1. The first
rule of good listening is to really try to imagine yourself in
the bereaved's situation. Do this before you make the call and
as you are listening.
2. If this
person is not well known to you, use the person's name often to
promote intimacy.
3. Use open-ended
statements and questions as talked about in the above example.
4. If you
are with the person, orient your body towards the person, talk
from the same physical level, try not to cross your arms or legs,
speak in a soft, relaxed, warm voice and make as much eye contact
as the person is comfortable with.
5. Avoid
giving advise or suggestions, even if asked. Just say something
like "I don't know, what do you think you ought to do?"
6. Do not
interrupt.
7. Do use
active listening inserts like "Um", "Oh",
"that's awful", "what did you do then", "so,
how did you feel about that" that tell the person you are
listening and want to continue to listen.
8. The person
you are talking with should do almost all of the talking.
9. Allow
silence to be a part of your conversation. Sometimes the bereaved
may cry or have no words. Either be quiet or assure them they
can take their time before continuing. If you try to fill that
space, you tell them that you are uncomfortable with their very
normal reactions.
How To END
Ending an emotional conversation
gracefully, can be very difficult. Hopefully, the bereaved will
have a reason to end the conversation. If not, try to find a lull
in the conversation and say something like "It sounds like
you are doing as well as could be expected and I am really glad
we've had this time to talk. I care about you and would like to
call you again soon if that would be okay with you." (Pause
for response). "and, I hope you know that you can call me
anytime. I've had my share of losses and I know sometimes just
talking out loud can Help you sort out or organize some of your
thoughts or feelings." You will find your own style on how
to close, but this approach might help in the interim.
Much more
could be said about technique and phraseology, but the purpose
of this article is to relay the basics so you or someone you know
will feel more comfortable making the call or visit, and so you
will make the call. The bereaved are often so isolated because
of our fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. Even if you say
the "wrong thing", more likely than not the bereaved
will only remember that you cared and you were there. The words,
in the end, are often inconsequential as long as your intention
is from the Heart.
TLC group grants anyone the right to use this information without compensation so long as the copy is not used for profit or as training materials in a profit making activity such as workshops, lectures, and seminars, and so long as this paragraph is retained in its entirety
