Glancing at the clock, it's 1 am and there are about 15 pencil drawings of Angels laying around the floor. They seem to be asked to be drawn. Each one brought from a memory, of love and grief. My life was profoundly changed in 1993, but the fulfillment of my life purpose came in 1997, when the Angels began to be drawn.
Life had settled like the leaves of November waiting to be burned. All the feelings had been raked into neat little piles of specific emotions. Each one looked at and examined, but ready to be let go. Looking around the room, there are over 100 Angels in various stages of completion. So much thought went into each one, so much emotion, they moved from pencil rough, to pencil fill to ink and finally to the computer. Attached to each, some small phrase or words to help them be understood.
Since April of 1994 I had been talking to people on the computer and in "real life" about loss. Listening and understanding more about myself and my own emotions, and those of others. I found on the computer the ability to express the emotions without fear of being seen, or have others hear the tears. I was not alone in this thing called grief. Many people had experienced this horrific emotion and they were willing to share their emotions. What I heard from others and myself, was that there was no honor, no respect from others for the loss. I listened to over 5000 people, read over 20 books on grief and change, read hundreds of articles on the Net. Each emotion I heard and read told me over and over that I was not unique, I wasn't the only one, and that the degree of grief was directly related to the attachment and issues of the person that had died. Key phrases began to be repeated:
"Not all marriages were the white picket fence type, but it does not lesson your grief"
"No matter what your relationship with your parent, you still feel like an orphan when they die"
"You have no control over life and death"
"You will not get the answers to the why's"
"You will carry guilt over the "shoulda, woulda, coulda's"
"You must believe in some type of afterlife, to find peace with your being left in this one"
"Your fears hold you captive"
"Many people will sympathize, few will empathize"
"No one had an "idealistic" childhood, and still have a hard time forgiving themselves and others"
"You are not alone"
"Time will not heal all wounds, there are no Time limits on grief"
"There is no Right way to go through grief, no Rules"
"Life is not fair"
"You will not get OVER IT"
"You do have choices, you can move on"
"You are Normal, and human"
These words became a mantra, repeated over and over to many people, and heard myself.
My epilogue began with the death of my Mother in April, 1999. This was the end of family as I knew it. I would now be on my own, and without the guilt. As I stood by my mothers grave, I forgave her, and buried with her some bitter memories. I expect times of regression, but I recognize the change that I must go through now.
The artist angel creates the butterfly, expressing the hope for renewal of the spirit. 
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